Don’t Apologize For Setting Boundaries

Look, I really used to be someone who just took what people dished out for me. I honestly was not the best comeback queen, and for a long time, I was afraid to even stick up for myself within my family dynamics. I grew up in an African household where children were taught to be seen and not heard. Not that they didn’t care about our feelings, but when it came to expressing myself or fighting against some of the ideals and traditional thinking of my family members, they didn’t want to hear it. Throughout college, I learned that having a voice and speaking my mind was necessary because if I harbored it, it wouldn’t be good for me or the other parties involved. Now, when it came to friendship, I was a sucker. I could speak my mind to family, but I still allowed some of my friends to treat me in a manner that was just unacceptable.

I’d like to think that not wanting to confront or be combative for myself, comes from a good place, right? Nobody likes arguments and sometimes it is better to shake off the negative than to harbor. However, that is not how I work. If someone does something that I don’t like, I remember it forever and it becomes extremely hard for me to destroy that negative image of them. The cost is my mental health and spiritual wellness because, on one end, I should be better at letting things go and on the other hand, I wish I gave off a better ‘don’t fuck with me attitude”. I have been told I have a bitch face, but that doesn’t seem to stop people from doing crazy shit, believe me.

Regardless, I have been reading a lot about “boundaries” and how they can help to teach people how to treat you. What?? Like a dog? Let me stop, but I know that I struggle imminently with this. I have this friend who is extremely great at this. I pick and prod at her, but I know when I am pushing the limits. Of course, that doesn’t always stop me, but its a great marker in knowing when you are going too far and will ultimately end in an argument.

For so long I have enabled too many energies and people to come in and out of my life without having any respect for my feelings. So, I’ve created boundaries and for the past couple of months, I have put them into full effect.

Disclaimer that this whole "boundary" talk is not to suggest that we only partake or agree to things that only we want to do, because that is not real life. There will be a lot of times when we have to do things because we have to. If we only act in our own interests (all the time) we may find ourselves lonely and or jobless.

However, although I have learned that it may not be all about me ALL THE TIME, it is NEVER NOT about me. Let that sink in. When it comes to voluntary relationships, there is no reason why you should feel like shit or feel inadequate.

This being said, boundaries allow you to make better decisions that are not rooted in fear, manipulation or force. I have learned that if I do not follow my own instincts, but instead act on the way that certain people make me feel, then the choices that I usually make leave me feeling powerless, bitter and resentful towards myself and ultimately, those people. 

So, here are some ways to help construct healthy boundaries that will protect your mind, body, and spirit while also cultivating healthy relationships.

# 1. Be introspective and protect your self-respect. Tune into your emotions and thoughts. 

Our emotions and thoughts guide us in our relationships, acting as indicators of how healthy our relationship is with that person. We must recognize that we have the insight to distinguish and distance ourselves from toxic relationships

I have learned that sometimes I do not want to be around certain people, energy or drama. I do not force myself to be in that space anymore.

#2. Ask yourself: " If I say yes will it make me become bitter, angry or resentful?" If the answer to this is yes, then your answer in reality should be no

As I said, I am horrible at this because I feel the need to please everyone, but I usually end up spreading myself too thin.  However, there have been many times which I compromise my own happiness for the sake of others and that decision has left me feeling either bored, resentful or Judgmental and I don’t like bringing that side out. Her name is Sabel and you don’t ever have to meet that alter ego.

#3. Notice when you are reinforcing bad behaviors

People will sometimes take advantage of you because they can. I used to be so soft. It is funny to look back on, honestly! You have the right to say no if it isn't in your best interests. Do not reinforce bad behaviors... If you do not stand up for yourself people will take advantage of you and think that its O.K to take advantage of you; and it sure as hell is not. 

Be firm, kind and politely decline. They are grown, they'll be alright.

#4. You have choices and one of them is the right to walk away

Need I say more? If something makes us feel uncomfortable, leave the situation. Move from the way of the devil and rebuke ALL negativity from your blessed path, AMEN?! It may mean that you are alone in removing yourself from what makes you feel uncomfortable. Regardless, it's always in your best interest when you do things that make you feel safe and protected, not only from physical harm but also from mental stress.

Sometimes that also may be letting people or things go… and that is something I am also working on, but I have found to be extremely necessary.

#5. Adhere to your boundaries. 

Do not get deterred from your boundaries. Be specific with what you want; and reprimand people when lines are crossed.  If they are real people who want to be in your life, they will change, as they recognize your boundaries. However, If you are really worried about losing people, think about it this way--It all comes down to the law of attraction.  You attract people who are most like you and who should like you for you. You should never compromise yourself for people who couldn't care less about your happiness or feelings.

I have always had a hard time saying no. Haven’t we all; at some point! I do like people, please. I like it when the people around me, friends and family, feel happy and or content. However, sometimes at the cost of my own happiness, sanity and voice and that can leave me feeling bitter, guilty or stressed.

Further, having healthy boundaries means that you take responsibility for your own life and the choices you make. You can no longer blame, need to blame or owe others anything when you stay strong on your own. Does that make sense?

I hope that these were some helpful ways to reveal why boundaries are a great way to protect your spirit and build respect from people. Let me know what you think in the comments below?

How have you created boundaries in your life?